Birmingham.

Picture the scene. Somewhere in Hollywood. 2008-ish.

There’s a joint script meeting going on with Alcon Entertainment and Silver Pictures.

Big boss: “So guys, what have we got?”

Scriptwriter 1: “Well, I’ve got this great plot for a movie. There’s this guy, right, who kills people… with carrots…”
Big boss: “Stop, stop, stop, that already sounds crap. Who else has got something?”

Scriptwriter 2: “Well, there’s this guy, with a big blue dong…”
Big boss: “…woah, let’s stop that kinda talk right now.”

Scriptwriter 3: “How about Nicolas Cage as a…”
Big boss: “…dude, I’d rather hear the rest of the big blue dong pitch. Next!”

Scriptwriter 4: “Ok, well, I’ve got this idea…”
Big boss: “Go on…”
Scriptwriter 4: “Well, imagine a Mad Max type setting, and then imagine a Western sorta feel. Then cross the two.”
Big boss: “Dammit Scriptwriter 4, you might be on to something here Son, keep talking!”

<Big boss’s finger twitches impatiently>

Scriptwriter 4: “Well, the main character is a woman”
Big boss: “Nah, that’ll never work. Make it a man.”
Scriptwriter 4: “Uh, ok. So the main character is a man then. He’s this wise cracking tough guy who takes no crap. He’s trying to stop the bad guys from stealing nuclear weapons.”
Big boss: “Nah, that’s been done before. You’re losing me here. Fast. We need someone the American public can really relate to.”

<Big boss yawns>

Scriptwriter 4: “Ok, ok, ok, wait. He, err, he, ummm, kills people!”
Big boss: “Not bad! But only 50% of Americans will love that…”
Scriptwriter 4: “I know, he’s errr, a religious man!”
Big boss: “I like it! But again, only half our target audience will go for that…”
Scriptwriter 4: “Wait! Errr, I haven’t finished! He kills people and…he’s a bible basher!”
Big boss: “Brilliant!!”
Scriptwriter 4: “…and because he quotes the bible all the time, it’ll be ok that he kills people! Nobody will mind as he’s a righteous dude.”
Big boss: “Genius. One hundy percent of our audience will just love it!!”
Scriptwriter 4: “Thank you, thank you.”
Big boss: “So let’s sum this up. It’s a post-apocalyptic world, with a Western type feel. Our hero is basically a deluded Ray Comfort type, who’s trying to save a Bible and mankind from spending the rest of eternity eating one another and then scoffing roast cat for pudding. Only our hero kills people too. With guns. Not bananas. Oh, and Scriptwriter 4, make sure you give it a really implausible twist at the end.”
Scriptwriter 4: “No problem.”

<Big boss presses the button beneath his finger and a big green light bulb illuminates at the end of his desk>

And that folks, is the The Book of Eli.

It’s quite good visually and could’ve been so much more, but ultimately it’s just a bit crap.

5/10.