What happens when super heroes retire? 

You totally would.

Watchmen dunks us into an alternate timeline, where Richard Nixon is in his third term as president of the United States (the whereabouts of David Frost is unknown), the Americans have won the Vietnam war and of course, we’ve got some masked heroes running around opening up cans of whoop-ass.

The Watchmen aren’t your average collection of masked super heroes mind you. In fact only one seems to possess genuine super-powers. The others just become suitably heroic when they don a sufficient amount of PVC. Heck, some of them don’t even wear masks and still somehow manage to keep their identities secret, so it’s probably best just to gloss over all that sort of stuff for the time being. 

But anyway, times they are a-changin’.

The Yanks are on the brink of nuclear war with the Ruskies and masked heroics are no longer the done thing. So all but two of the gang have retired to their normal everyday lives. Well, that is until the former Watchmen mysteriously start getting bumped off and trouble starts brewing…

You totally wouldn't.

The most powerful person in this universe is Dr Manhattan, a nuclear research scientist who was accidently locked in a test chamber and became, ahem, endowed with superpowers after the experiment went horribly wrong. His powers are so immense that he now has the ability to rearrange matter and even pop off to Mars for a long weekend. What a guy.

But Dr Manhattan’s god-like superpowers came at a huge price, as it left him looking like a member of the Blue Man Group, who just can’t resist parading his azure coloured love spuds to all and sundry at every opportunity. In fact, he’s such an exhibitionist that a, err, good sized portion of the movie seems to be set in, shall we say, ‘downtown’ Manhattan.

Just the very existence of this big blue nude dudes huge arsenal gives the United States a strategic advantage over Russia in the looming apocalypse.  

Anyway, I’ll leave the plot there, so as not to give anything away. But you’ll be pleased to know Watchmen isn’t entirely about glowing radioactive todgers, as there are a couple of jubblies too.

Yes, it’s long (the film I mean), but it certainly doesn’t feel as lengthy as it really is (again, the film). It’s loud, some of the non-penis effects are really rather good and the plot is actually quite thought provoking. Ok, the music wasn’t entirely great and I could’ve done without some of the graphic violence, but it’s still a mighty fine movie. 

8.5/10.