Everybody knows that life is a journey.

95% of the time, its as if you’re wandering through open countryside. You don’t necessarily have a clear route marked out in front of you, but you know roughly which direction life is headed in.

But as you undoubtedly know, occasionally in your ‘life travels’ you’ll come across a path, leading you to make a choice of route. One direction might lead you through fantastic scenery, the birds will be singing and if you’re lucky, you’ll wind up in the middle of an all female nudist colony during their outdoor volleyball championships. Be careful though, as the opposite way may be a long and tiring uphill hike, where you’ll soon realise you’ve forgotten to pack your sandwiches and it’s highly likely you step in a big dog poo that you’ll spend the next two hours wiping off your shoe. Needless to say, you’ll be glad to get home once you’ve gone down that path.

You might be lucky – both directions might just take alternate routes to Volleyball paradise, but equally they both might ultimately terminate at the local sewage works.

GI Joe - Eiffel Tower

"Damn, I missed him!"

Last week, we had to make one such ‘life-path’ decision:

One direction was signposted “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra“, the other “G-Force“.

Given the title of this blog post, you don’t really need to be a rocket-scientist to work out which ‘route’ we chose. Both looked s**t, but GI Joe just seemed like the lesser of two evils when the choice was essentially an Action Man versus Action Guinea-Pig movie smackdown.

Besides, sometimes if you’ve got really low expectations for a movie, you’re occasionally pleasantly surprised when it exceeds them, right? Unfortunately, it didn’t and therefore I wasn’t. In fact, quite the opposite – it was even s**tter than it looked.

Hard to believe isn’t it. Especially when the plot involves a mad nano-technology weapons creator selling a new type of warhead and then stealing them all back. The rest of the film is pretty much spent chasing the weapons from good guys to bad guys and back again. All the way blowing stuff up. I mean, how did they manage to go wrong with that? Tcha.

So, what was worse thing about GI Joe? Hmmm. The wooden acting? The poor script? The rubbish plot? The poor CGI? The implausibility? The cock-er-ney dude seeming so out of place? (I didn’t realise at the time, but that was “Mr Eko” from Lost – and that’s almost his real voice – well, kinda). The stupidity and sheer awfulness of it all makes me not want to think about it any longer than I have to. It’s just a terrible, terrible film (unless you’re 8 years old, in which case you’d probably love it).

…and let us not forget the plentiful Team America comparisons which made the whole film completely laughable. If there was anyone over the age of 18 who wasn’t thinking the words “Now suck my c*ck!” whenever Spottswoode General Hawk appeared on screen I’d be surprised.

I can quite confidently say that GI Joe is the worst film I’ve seen in a longlong time, with perhaps only one redeeming feature: no CGI guinea-pigs.

Maybe we chose the correct direction after all?

1/10 (…and that was only because it had a montage. Seriously.)

Comments on: "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" (3)

  1. Oh come on, it must deserve an extra half point for the incredibly humourous use of product placement (norton firewall anyone) and the fact they have a character called Dr Mindbender.

    Plus the red head was hot.

    Otherwise, yeah, it sucked.

  2. Yeah Chris the red head with the big jubblies definately deserves one!!

  3. And to add insult to injury – they have been given the green light for a second film….. I guess the pitch went something like this…

    Surely we can’t do any worse?

    OK – have a second attempt….

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